Fuschia? What is Fuschia?

The other day on the train, I watched this guy drink purple Gatorade. Also known to some people (me for example) as, "purple drank." Lisa likes purple. I hate purple.

Mom likes Lisa.
Lisa's mom likes me.

Lisa doesn't get Chris. Thus, Chris talks louder.

In college, I once pushed Lisa out of a chair during class. Finance, I believe. She must've not heard me say "mine!" cause she sat in the chair. So, I pushed her. Everyone looked. I laughed. Another time I dropped her on her face in the middle of the street. We were drunk. It left a bruise. I laughed.

Legend has it, that the color purple is named after a knight from way back when. Probably before 1983. His name was Sir Purpleton, hailing from Purpledonia. He spoke with an accent. An unpleasant accent (like Jar Jar Binks [they're probably cousins]). Now Sir Purpleton was only a knight by name, not by action. In fact, he was a douchebag. It's a fact. It's even in wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sir_Purpleton . *edit: I created a wiki page for Sir Purpleton which verified this fact. Wikipedia however removed it because it "is not constructive." Wikipedia is a douchebag. It's a fact.

Sir Purpleton razed, raped (livestock), pillaged, and pilfered. If he killed a man in battle, he would then sleep with the deceased man's wife. Cause well... she was no longer the man's wife. The man was dead. Despicable, no?

Who knows what happened to Sir Purpleton and Purpledonia. One popular theory is that Purpledonia was torn apart from within due to warring factions: Bluetterdam and Redmelvort: a battle that is still fought today as the Crips and Bloods.

To learn more about Sir Purpleton please feel free to email me.

I've known Lisa since the 6th grade. She was fat. Not so much anymore. She's pretty pretty now.

Comcast is purple.
The crazy girl who talks too much at the bus stop is purple.
Lung cancer is fucking purple.

I threw up on my cousin's carpet when I was 7.
It was purple.

It's not really incest.

I hate walking behind people when going up the stairs of the MUNI station. I hate being behind people on escalators as well. No one really gets it. No one really gets my friend Chris either.

I do.

His girlfriend lets him go to strip clubs and get lap dances. She even lets him get on stage. Sometimes the bouncers get in his grill. When he gets kicked out of the clubs, she lets him go to the park and eat 5 dollar hot dogs.

One time over a meal of red beans and rice, biscuits, and fried chicken, Chris and I figured out how to be our own Grandfather's. It's simple. All we have to do is marry each other's Moms' (process explained at end). My mom has Stage 4 Lung Cancer though. She doesn't smoke.

When I walk behind people on stairs I want to push them down and jump on their heads. As I land on each head I want to hear the Mario-jumping-on-Goombas-sound play over the PA system. Some of them will drop coins. It's only fair. If not the PA system, maybe Chris can hold a boombox and play the same sound.

Chris hates his job. I hate these people. I don't know any of them. Wow... That girl's pretty.

Mom told me to be happy. Mom wants me to be happy.

I made it to work without jumping on anyone. That probably makes Mom happy.

Step by step process on how to be your own Grandfather (w/pictures):

1. First I marry Chris' mom. Thus becoming his dad.
2. Chris marry's my mom. Thus becoming my dad.
3. Now here's the tricky part. If I am Chris' dad and his son, and he is also my Dad and my son - the family tree looks like this: Me, Chris, Me, Chris, Me, Chris, Me, and so on. Resulting in me becoming my own Grandfather, and Chris being his own Grandfather.
4. Done

Prologue

Back before 1983, lots of things were cooler than your mom. I for one can't remember any of them, because well... I wasn't born before them. However, thanks to the magic of Google (and TV), I have come up with the following things that, perhaps, might have been cooler than your mom prior to the year of my birth (1983 for the slow folk):

1. Rambo: First Blood
2. Pez
3. James Taylor
4. Rotary Dials
5. Original Star Wars
6. Some kid born in 1982
7. and other things that I cannot think of at this moment in time

However, since then, I have been the self proclaimed definition of all things cooler than your mom. I've been known to go on ninja raids, bite labradors and beagles, become boxing champion of Best Buy (who by the way do not have the best stuff), and sometimes... sometimes, charm women. If that's not cool. Then I don't know what is.

Really. I don't.

**In all seriousness. The other day I read a book entitled "EEEEE EEE EEEE," by Tao Lin, and felt completely liberated. It was almost as liberating as the first time I took a shit at work: those of you that work in an office know what I'm talking about, taking a dump at work is quite possibly the greatest feeling ever: joy. Tao Lin's book showed me that fiction, and writing, did not need to be confined to any sort of grammar school structure/etiquette that we once learned. The sentences don't even need to relate to one another. Nothing needs to make any sort of logical sense! His writing is weird, easy to read, somewhat emo... but I loved it. His thoughts were all over the place, and at times made absolutely no sense, but as I read and read, I couldn't help but think, "If I wrote a book... it would be exactly like this..."

That is why I created this blog.

As a child I had all these ideas, and all these stories. As an adult I have all these experiences, and all these lies. So now... I'm trying to combine the two. Maybe I'll turn out something great. Maybe it'll be a piece of shit. Who knows?

Just know that I don't have an ever expanding vocabularly. And I cleerly don't have an editor. I just want to write... about me, my life, and anything else that I can possibly fabricate.